So my roommate has been in Germany for the past 10 days trying out new, European ways to be EVEN GAYER...
...and despite the logistical challenge presented by the laws of physics as they relate to body mass and airborn travel, he's flying back home tonight. As the feeling of impending doom sets in with every approaching mile of his connecting flight from Atlanta, it occurred to me to go through a list of things I have enjoyed while he has been gone. You know--count my blessings. I'll list 10 things, since he's been gone for 10 days.
1) No "Girls Next Door." I lived in Utah for a year, and in Scottsdale for three years, so I am pretty much done with polygamy and bleached-blonde party girls who are filthy rich despite all those unfought battles with functional literacy and fourth-grade math.
2) No competition at feeding time. As anyone will tell you, I eat A LOT. When Bret's home and it's feeding time, I normally have to line the walls with bright, shiny things to distract his attention so I can get to the food first. Since he's been gone, eating has been a one-step process: I eat everything. And then I'm done. No strategem necessary.
3) No nastygrams from the U.S. Geological Survey complaining about the "potentially disastrous effect" our living together allegedly has on "the Earth's tectonic plates" and the "geological stability of the Western Hemisphere." We get it. We're really, really, really fat, and we live together. You don't have to be hurtful about it, geologists. I think they tried to mail us a class-action lawsuit or something like that, but it came in a big green envelope, and Bret's favorite flavor is green, so he ate it.
4) No bitches in the living room gettin' it on. Most of the time, they ain't leavin' til six in the mornin', and that gets old after a few years. It was cool when we used to party with Snoop, but Bret ATE Snoop almost a year ago now (he "had the munchies"), so it's really disrespectful to keep having bitches over now that Snoop's gone.
5) No OC weekend marathons.
"We're a bunch of attractive rich white kids from Huntington Beach. We have so many PROBLEMS!" Shut the #$@% up, OC. Go snort some coke with Paris Hilton and leave me the @#%$ alone.
6) No references to "Die Hard" being an "awesome movie."
7) No references to "Troop Beverly Hills" as the "greatest cinematic masterpiece of the latter days... and believe me, they are latter. VERY latter." Nothing like doomsday threats to frighten me into liking "Troop Beverly Hills," Levek.
8) No unreasonable demands to return shirts that were obviously meant to be mine.
9) No "accidentally" stumbling into my bathroom when I'm showering. My body is mine, Levek. You keep your eyes and your hands off. My father may have sold me to you to settle an old debt, but I am still a lady. You remember that.
10) No Bret.
PS, these are my favorite right now:
...and despite the logistical challenge presented by the laws of physics as they relate to body mass and airborn travel, he's flying back home tonight. As the feeling of impending doom sets in with every approaching mile of his connecting flight from Atlanta, it occurred to me to go through a list of things I have enjoyed while he has been gone. You know--count my blessings. I'll list 10 things, since he's been gone for 10 days.
1) No "Girls Next Door." I lived in Utah for a year, and in Scottsdale for three years, so I am pretty much done with polygamy and bleached-blonde party girls who are filthy rich despite all those unfought battles with functional literacy and fourth-grade math.
2) No competition at feeding time. As anyone will tell you, I eat A LOT. When Bret's home and it's feeding time, I normally have to line the walls with bright, shiny things to distract his attention so I can get to the food first. Since he's been gone, eating has been a one-step process: I eat everything. And then I'm done. No strategem necessary.
3) No nastygrams from the U.S. Geological Survey complaining about the "potentially disastrous effect" our living together allegedly has on "the Earth's tectonic plates" and the "geological stability of the Western Hemisphere." We get it. We're really, really, really fat, and we live together. You don't have to be hurtful about it, geologists. I think they tried to mail us a class-action lawsuit or something like that, but it came in a big green envelope, and Bret's favorite flavor is green, so he ate it.
4) No bitches in the living room gettin' it on. Most of the time, they ain't leavin' til six in the mornin', and that gets old after a few years. It was cool when we used to party with Snoop, but Bret ATE Snoop almost a year ago now (he "had the munchies"), so it's really disrespectful to keep having bitches over now that Snoop's gone.
5) No OC weekend marathons.
"We're a bunch of attractive rich white kids from Huntington Beach. We have so many PROBLEMS!" Shut the #$@% up, OC. Go snort some coke with Paris Hilton and leave me the @#%$ alone.
6) No references to "Die Hard" being an "awesome movie."
7) No references to "Troop Beverly Hills" as the "greatest cinematic masterpiece of the latter days... and believe me, they are latter. VERY latter." Nothing like doomsday threats to frighten me into liking "Troop Beverly Hills," Levek.
8) No unreasonable demands to return shirts that were obviously meant to be mine.
9) No "accidentally" stumbling into my bathroom when I'm showering. My body is mine, Levek. You keep your eyes and your hands off. My father may have sold me to you to settle an old debt, but I am still a lady. You remember that.
10) No Bret.
PS, these are my favorite right now:
posted by Charlie at 6:50 PM
1 Comments:
Yea! I am so happy to see that your blog is back and that your fat roomate as of yet isn't! :)
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